24 June, 2005 - 11:03 pm

numbness

I am feeling lost and numb and angry. Why am I angry at him? I am the one that broke up with him. Maybe I'm angry with him for the reason I broke up with him. But at the end of the day that was probably my fault too.
I am difficult and moody and I make mistakes and hurt him.
But I love him, and I did lots of nice things for him, and we had fun together, and I am not a bad person.
I am mad because one day he loved me, and I loved him, and then he loved me less and I loved him more, and then he loved me hardly at all, and I still loved him. Because for the lasr 6 months I may as well have been invisable. Maybe he's just worn down, worn out, had enough. Well I hate it because I should have known this would happen, and I should never have loved him in the first place. Or the second on the third or the five hundred and sixty fifth. I should have listened to myself and said that it would never work out, so just leave it alone. But I couldn't, could I. And I'm so mad at myself for going back out with him again, and then again. If I had left it, would I be over it by now? I'm tired of his moods and actions affecting my own. And I can almost hear his responses in my head and I hate them too. I just don't know what to do. I know what I want, but I'm feeling as though I don't, and it's confusing. And I am lonely. And I do not know him anymore. And he does not know me and I don't think he ever did.